Dreams - June 12th

see nothing, feel everything
she prays at my feet
see nothing, feel everything
caress
caress
caress?
pain...
let it pass over you
let it pass through you
it's alright if you want to scream
No, no, no
work your best
my pain won't distract you
let it pass over me
let it pass through me
take it
distribute it
too much, too much
deep breath
in through the nose, out twice as slow
is it too much
keep going, keep going
keep going
break
freed from my body
must remember it to remember to breath
and the heat of it
begins to burn
my spirit freed from my corpse
my spirit body is heat
my spirit body is pain
what is one thing beyond the pain?
think - one thing beyond the pain!
heat, no heat is pain
think - one thing beyond the pain!
what is one thing beyond the pain?
break
I've never had someone leave me before
where did you go
love - I bore it out of self love

Dreams - June 9

oversaturated, sitting on the grass with the officer.
one of those days that is real - too real
like honey from the bottle directly on the tongue
too vivid - too real
I see the pale inner arm turn to tan
and am facinated by the golden hairs sparkling in the sunlight.

Dreams - june 2nd

It's my fashion show, this is my collection. set to a modern interpretation of a traditional japanese melody. The models are of all ages, but start with the youngest (smallest) end with the oldest (tallest). They walk in a proscribed manner: step, feet together, bend at the knees, shuffle, shuffle, feet together, hop on the left foot, step, feet together, bend at the knees, shuffle, shuffle, feet together, hop on the right foot, repeat. the clothes are long japanese kimonos with gigantic white and grey tissue paper snowflakes pinned to them so that the overall effect is fluttering glimpses of color under a mutted white and grey snow. it is very solemn. the procession takes about five minutes. everyone in the audience is crying.

dreams june 3rd

like an old roman bath
but not like they were when they were built
as they would be if they had been used for all the centuries
misused for many centuries
built for peope who were cleaner, smaller of stature and fit
natural
understanding that the sun feeds our bodies as does good food
understanding that conversations refresh our minds as does restful sleep
not for our modern monstrosities
too tall, too large, too built
muscle like bulges marbled with fat - not ever having really worked
eyes that loll weakly - never having to be sharp
bred for secondary sexual characteristics
peacocks that are beautiful until they speak
this is the place where I am now
I see the glory it once was
now it is a urinal
the natural springs that feed the hot baths have dried up
and the warm moist heat stings my eyes and my nose
whatcha got
whatcha got
whatcha got?
I have to pee not shy, but not forward
in the face of this
these
bodies pushing, not waiting, I'll wait my turn for some privacy
but they don't wait - pushing
just pee on your leg, pee on the wall
pee on the door, pee on my leg
how could this (these) excite me?
I've seen them all before, seen it all before
even exploring as far as I could, deep as I could
there is nothing here to excite me
maybe just for a moment
and I want it to
I want to give in
of course there is one other asian in the room
he looks at me like we are brothers - korean
we are not brothers - he may as well says he was senegal
and we were brothers
we couldn't be more different
yet you look to me like we are brothers
like I should be drawn to you
as you are drawn to me
the last two
paired because they are the last two
touching me is too much
please don't, politely
(confusion)
don't touch me
he ony expresses confusion
my turn in the stall
relief though cramped
my shoulders press against the walls
I can see easily over the sides
the door bangs against my back
modern monstrosity
still a little careful I proceed
begin to pee
don't look down, don't look to the side
privacy can be made by not offering inclusion
at least in my own perception
but it's safest to look down
I feel hands on my belly
kneading my belly
making me sick
woke up screaming because I dreamt the korean man was touching me

waking dream - June 4th

in the sour mustiness of the enclosed faultline
a dream, a hope, came true
all these things
yet best described as a step forward
and suddenly I was seen
noticed
desired
validated
a strange sense of belonging overtook me
like a radiant heat
and all by looking up at the video screen
and seeing asian porn

Dreams - may 29th

it is the archetypical cressent shaped bay, with a city by the shore and forests rising up the slopes of low hills to where we sit. firecrackers pop in the night sky and perfectly compliment the lights of the city down below.
he says, isn't it shame the city lights are there - distracting from the fireworks?
no, they make me think there are other people out there, living their lives. people who are worth it. I would be sad to see the lights go.
and the lights blink out. a few lonely (can they be lonely?) firecrackers pop weakly (can they 'pop' weakly?).
he points up to the sky, look! and a ball of colored lights flies across the sky - streaking across the sky
the air changes as the ship(?) passes overhead
this is not good
the air is cold
as if, at the time of their death, all the lives - bodies - down below gave up all their heat
and it escaped through the hole the ship punched through the sky
we are frozen with indecision
what to do
what to do
back to the summer cabin
the rickity cabin
where we had hoped to spend the warm night
not needing much shelter
just a few bottles of wine
and a fire for looks
and each other when the embers burned down low
what protection will it offer now?
anything will do
we wil hide in the cabin
he points down the city, look! (stop pointing, stop pointing, stop pointing)
a procession of bodies is walking up the path to the cabin
survivors!
carrying what they need to survive
carrying their most precious possssions
carrying their dead
he grasps at my arm
I am frozen with fear, here take this - chew it
what is it?
watermelon extra - it willsave your life
he puts it in his pocket
he is excited and relieved
but I can see they are not survivors
almost like us
at any other time, they would be just like us
but here
now
en mass
these are not survivors
these are something else
carrying what they need to survive
carrying their most precious possssions
carrying our dead
he is running towards them they are close
so close I can see the stars glitter their eyes
he is excited - we will not be alone
I hadn't thought we would be
the leader of the procession puts down his burden
a stretcher he carries behind him, the other end dragging on the ground
the body of a young girl laying still placed on top
the leader starts to laugh
the leader points at him as he runs closer (stop pointing, stop pointing, stop pointing)
don't you see - we are not like you
we are not like you
we are not like you
he falls to the ground
others walk over to take charge of the body
the leader looks at me
with glitter in his eyes
we are not like you
we are not like you
we are not like you
I chew my gum
it is too sweet, my mouth is too wet
but the fragrance (strange) I feel it curling over my face filling my nose
the leader is laughing heartily now
we are not like you
we are not like you
we are not like you
the cabin stands like a fortress behind me