All Cleaned up and Pretty

All cleaned up and pretty for new year's eve.

Although I realize it's really just another day (night), I want to go into it fresh and clean. And with a smile on my face.

Ouch

Yes, bottles of wine are too big because their bottoms sneak up on you when they are so good. A bottle of Jack, for instance, will rarely surprise you with his bottom (at least when you are alone with him).

So a slow start this morning - much work to do - but few people here in the office to get in my way.

Lovely tarot reading for this morning (hence, "ouch")

dreams - interupted

"chirp-chirp" 7:15
who would text me so early
and eyes wide open
heart beating fast
leaping out of bed
only one person
but it was a dream
there's no message
slip back into sleep
hey-hey
touch on my cheek
slight pressure on my shoulder
whisper in my ear
I'm taking you out for breakfast
wrap my arms around his waist
bury my face in his belly
inhale his scent
swoosh - buzz
television turns on
automatic alarm
happiness floods my face
just a dream-10:15 am

bottles of wine are too big

So I got four bottles of wine for April and Stephen for their visit not knowing what they are drinking these days and thinking beer not good enough (but of course having it around). They didn't pop a cork. I have to say, I love new Zealand wines - they have a crispness and fruitiness that reminds me of what wine should taste like. And also, I was a huge wine fag back in the day, always knowing what wine goes with what, but I don't think I ever enjoyed it until the current batch of wines from new Zealand and Australia. So last night I opened a bottle of nobilio sauvignon blanc - so light! so fresh! before I knew it the bottle was empty!
And lovely Guy showed up unexpectantly so that we could have conversations of otherworldly creatures (ourselves) and how someday someone will understand how living in your world hurts us. I admit, Guy is further off than I am, but yes both made only for and to love - everything else (yes, so many great things) only in preparation for the day we are accepted.

Chevalier de la table ronde
Goutons voir si le vin est bon
Goutons voir si le vin est bon
Goutons voir oui oui oui,
Goutons voir non non non,
Goutons voir si le vin est bon
S'il est bon s'il est agreable,
J'en boirai jusqu'a mon plaisir
J'en boirai oui
J'en boirai cinq ou six bouteilles,
Et une femme sur mes genoux
Toc toc toc.
Qui frappe a la porte?
Je crois bien, ca c'est son mari
Si je meurs,
je veux qu'on m'enterre
Dans une cave ou il y a du bon vin.
Les deux pieds contre la muraille,
Et la tete sous le robinet.
Sur ma tombe je veux qu'on ecrive
Ice Git le roi des buveurs.

D-landir

Too much to process
por poor fragile mind
fragilus
fragilus
too trite to compare
a day at a theme park
to a rollercoaster
but emotions
came in waves
highs and lows
first we work hard
then we rest
building up again
and resting again
and the core shivers
the core shakes
strength is in the core
slight movements
eyes glance
fingers touch
lips kiss
to stand tall
shoulders back
belly in tight
no shava asana
No mountain pose
to stabilize me
to make the work
into rest
let the process continue
after rest
without perfect form
without guidence
I just take the core of it
and was happy for a day

Birthday - Nov 10th

I was very sick for my birthday - I think I had food poisoning.

This is what I got from charley. It did not give me food poisoning, but it made me happy because it had pinneapple in it - and dollie parts.

Just downloaded the pics - that's why so late...

Dreams (hopes) - Dec 22

slowly it crept into our conversation
a slow southern drawl
I don't think he noticed (at first)
and would have been embarassed had I made it known
but we both found comfort
in crooked smiles
slung back shoulders
and wide legged stances
held the door for me
led me through it
'refreshed' my drink
seated it firmly in my hand
leaning back on the back porch
deciding if the moon was full
he let the smoke curl from his lips on its own
letting it follow its own course
no strong inhale
no strong exhale
just a gentle tap
but in leaning back
whispering low
turning just so
I turned in
listening carefully
following his course
following my own course
no strong inhale
no strong exhale
just a gentle touch
slightly parted
smoke curled up from our lips
hands firm and strong
pressing against our lower backs
pressing our chests apart
knees with a gentle touch
slightly parted
the moon no longer concerned us
and we were comforted
by our slow southern drawl

Xmas sense of humour

The last line is the best...

LOS ANGELES -- A thief left notes this week in place of baby Jesus statues swiped from Nativity scenes in the yards of at least 12 Santa Clarita residences.

"They took the manger and the baby," said resident Vicki Combs.

In the statues' place, the thieves left a note: "Do not worry for baby Jesus is not gone, yet he is just not born, yet. You can find your dear Jesus at OLPH on his birthday."
"OLPH" stands for Our Lady of Perpetual Help Catholic Church, located near the residences.
"We found 12 different sizes and types of baby Jesuses," said Msgr. Paul Montoya. "I'm not too sure if it's a young person's prank. We're not sure why they would do this."
Montoya said the statues appeared overnight at the foot of a Virgin Mary statue in the church grotto.
Church officials called the sheriff's department to report the thefts.
Combs said she is pleased to have found her Jesus statue.
"I think I'll nail it down," Combs said.

Bleh...

I didn't get the job. Time for some retail therapy.

///update/// I went to go and get what I wanted and they were out. not only didn't I get the job, but I didn't get my sweatshirt.

Angst! or Angst? or...?
Too bad I only have one face...
HONESTY

Glad to be done driving

not glad to be back.
Secret shame... I totally blacked out down the 5.
That's right, me n' britney; hot as ice.
shuffle started it stronger and I decided to go for it becasue not everything is high art - sometimes it's just fun, and fun is underrated. Also, I'm a little surprised at how well she knows me... As if I was trailer trash from louisiana or somp'in. In reality though, if you didn't know it was britney and got this album from one of your friends who said, "she's fabulous; was crowned 'lil miss ameircan dream when she was 17 and she's a hot mess..." you'd love her like peaches. Besides, I... awe shut up! I ACCEPT IT! I'M FREE!
but here's stronger (sing it acoustic in your head ala tori):
Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say, baby
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
That I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
Come on, now
Oh, yeah
Here I go, on my own
I don’t need nobody, better off alone
Here I go, on my own now
I don’t need nobody, not anybody
Here I go, alright, here I go
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger

BTW, This is what I look like.

Kind of haggard, but no photoshop except cropping. It used to take me days to get here... Oh yea, took this pic yesterday (trying to document myself before I die, please be kind).

Finally - no dreams

Of course that is what happens when you don't sleep
Quiet! I yell to the jackels that yip at me
It's not some self destructive thing this time
I had things to do, got up before the sun, and began my drive
only had a moment of rem sleep
somethings to do with a carnival, hotaire balloons, and cotton candy
couldn't sleep when I got in - timing was off -
aced my inerview
Couldn't sleep when I got back - too excited -
waiting for a call
that came
and asked me in the next morning
We shall see,
We shall see!

The Six of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in self-consciousness. I am not alone. It's not too late to make a fresh start or to pursue my hearts desire. The fountain of my youth or my Holy Grail is revealed in the simple pleasures and gestures that are unaware of their own beauty, connection, and power. I am empowered by nostalgia or past perceptions and my gift is rejuvenation.

Anniversary - AT LAST! (I know what it is!)

AT LAST!
driving home tonight anticipating the grueling six hour commute back to sj and six hour commute back and wondering how I'm so awake, I knew it couldn't be the surface things, rather the immediate things, that were throwing me into this world of anxiety.
Yes, I've...
hit the gym like anorexia revisited
been pushing for the elusive 1000 calorie cardio workout
eaten every item of perishable food in the frigo
upped my dosage to combat my wondering/wandering mind
packed every moment with an 'important' task
actually worked and focused on my professional life
actually worked and focused on my personal life
started a job hunt whose scope and breadth impress even me
slept less than three hours a night the past two weeks
dreamed dreams that hurt and confused me
AT LAST! (I know what it is!)
it's memory, my mind was trying to tell/not tell or show/hide what's going on by recreating anxiety levels to mask memories! I don't take any credit, the credit goes to the pretty boy driving the car next to mine who, through rain washed glass, looked exactly like my ex.
my last ex
the one that I really did love
who, at a time when I grew the most, showed me all the possibilities of the future me while I was most afraid and confused about the future. Everyone changes you, he changed me the most - made me realize I could be whomever I wanted and what I was playing at was affectation. He took away the trappings of gay life and culture and forced me to analyse my feelings - he was the only one (still probably is) - who understood how debilitating they were. Without him, they would have overtaken me long ago and I have no doubt that, by my own hand, I would not be here today.
That being said, I did not leave his arms finished or particularly well and grew in strange ways, beautiful the way sickness can often leave the most interesting patterns and colors, but at least I was safe from catastrophic harm. I thank (the.rapist) for putting me on a balanced path that allows me to feel (even feel grandly) and not let those feelings overtake me.
but back to my ex (really can't believe I understand now-how did I forget to remember?)
I was...
very anxious about the future
burning anxiety at the gym
finishing all my finals - my final finals
graduating with a great degree
unemployed and broke
looking for a job - expecting it to be the rest of my life and commiserate with the amazing degree
madly in love with him - too young to know what love was
And we fought, over something ridiculous - I remember what, but am too embarrassed to repeat it -it was probably something symptomatic of larger issues in any case and broke up
on a cold December day, a week and a half before xmas
December 13th, 1996 - 2.32pm and single since and
SWOOSH!
In my car, in the rain, cold, confused, tired, but not sleepy
the anxiety fell out of me - like the drain plug was yanked out of the tub - just draining the blood from the top of my head (I could feel it leaving my fingertips) staring at this boy who never even looked my way and
I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU
an alternate reality only for the passage of time
I acknowledge you
and I'm calm again
all things in their time
be willing to wait
I'll wait for the one another ten years
for the things you want
be willing to work
I'll work on myself another ten years
for the best things,
be willing to accept what is offered
I'll accept the best and continue on my journey - no longer alone

The Ten of Swords card reversed suggests that you may be unwilling to let the matter rest, find closure or let go of an old romantic hurt. You might feel heartbroken, abused or at rock bottom, but in your mind you may be the hero for enduring such difficulties, especially if you have put all your hopes or trust into this situation or relationship. Go out with dignity or make the inevitable changes on your own terms, and you might actually feel relieved, in control and liberated. Brighter days are still ahead for you. While this may be the end of one era, it can be the beginning of another as long as you let go of the painful past and don't keep throwing yourself to the wolves in order to prove yourself or your love. If it isn't working for you anymore, move on or make a clean sweep of it rather than hurting or incriminating yourself out of fear.

to not have dreams december 18th

would be a blessing to wake up not happy not sad but just to wake and go about my day as someone with no feeling or I just gatto do this or that and not anticipation of things that are good and the balance of the universe doesn't matter to me.

but no...id and superego continue their battles when will the war end...

in our little pocket of green and blue high up in the tree tops be he keeps me balanced and rests my head on his lap i don't know why we don't fall he must be talking to the wind and the trees and the sun to keep us aloft but also soft murmurs to me that have no real form but only just meaning and I understand him I think it must be the rush of his blood that murmurs to me through his skin and sometimes when he bends down to press his lips against my forehead the whisper of his breath calls our name and shelters us from the wind and absolute strength of the sun

although my eyes are closed I can see all of this knowing it intuitively the emerald green of the leaves and the sapphire blue of the sky and as my awakening draws near how do I only realize the scent of him now but for days surrounded he protects safe and warm

as my awakening draws near and the reality weakens the protection of his soft whispers and sweet scent becoming more powerful overwhelming yet leaving with the coming reality my vision become clearer through the closed eyes and I see vermilion blood on the emerald green leaves (blood on the leaves - blood on the roots) too much too much the stars shine through the sapphire sky blood red and the sun is beginning to burn his scent is too strong and the murmur is a roar

/////and awake/////

somehow only safe and happy in my sleep awake now and feeling like something of value has been taken from me

swing my legs down from the bed, step on an upturned bottle cap, and cut my foot

blood on the roots

glamour

beer on the wall

99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beer
take one down and pass it around
98 bottles of beers on the wall...
repeat and subtract until there are 83 bottles of beer left on the wall - I can't do math in my head
somehow, i need to calm my emotions - take uppers to go down to normal take downers to go to sleeps and hide rom dreaming
bleh
interviews
interviews are killing me
driving back tomorrow again and spending thst much time alone with me is dangerous especially for me with me and my thinking because I can never be happy except on the outside to all my friends because I want them to be happy and would kill myself to guarantee it
chevalier de la table rounde
guttonvoire s'il the vin est bon
chevaliere de la table rounde
guttonsvoire s'il la ven este bon
gutton voire
oui, oui, oui
gutton voire
non, non, non!
gutton voire s'il the vin est bon!
Just talking to myself for six hours up and six hours back and no joy in between
can i get a lower dosage puis-moi
no they don't make it and then you will be a messed up boy who can think in a straight line or control his emotions - you will never be normal boy who has effortless social interactions!
I call that normal boy sepctacular - can i cut it in half
no - it's time released - it will kill you if it all disperses at once
lies, lies, lies, ye-ah
but will looking smashing un my suit I think nAVY PINSTRIPES (oops) with light grey slacks
why why do I always speak french when i'm drunk...
eheh - LET ME LIST THEIR NAMES - leon, sebastian, marc, philipe, tony, and massimo - massiomo being my favorite because he was italian, didn't speak a word of english, with a mother with french family so neither of us spoke french well but it was the only way to make our love poetically. also I think he may have been a virgin because he was fast and sweet and appreciative. Hell I named my car after him.
oops forgot clod . why do they come here just to make love with someone who speaks french? they could just stay there. and how does it happen that I meet so many. bleh. SI VOUS VOULEZ, TANTES! although I'LL GIVE THEM CREdit (oops) I don't know how many big gigantic gorgous asian bear boys they got over there.
OOO! OOO!
"JE M'APELLE COQUETTE! COQUETTE!" OK not exact quote - my name is cutie! cutie! - such a crack whore...
Ah... wipe the tears from my eyes... mesyeuxsontpleura...it's hard to spell in french maybe only speaking from now on
Aw crap teo more beers...
81 bottles of beer on the wall
81 bottles of beer...
there's got to be a better way
soule
bon nuit mes amies
je fait morir

dans un moment
Ensuite nous pourrons faire un barbecue de mon corpse sur la plage
AH-HA-HA-HA! eat that bitches!
VIEUX TANTES!
SALOPE
SALOPE
SALOPE
easier than japanese at least
huit-ton boutelles de bierre dans la mur
huit-ton boutelles de bierre
prendre toi un bierre (yuck - bad, bad)
Ok done trying to translate that song
finally ready to sleep
hopefully not to dream

nap dreams dec17th

rain storm passes through la though not really rain just a mist at first, but I stand in it feeling it mist on hair and my face remembering how it felt to be touched decades ago when i wanted it too.
it was delicate mist standing on the points of my baby bird head not runing down yet just sugaring me and feeling cold as the heat from my showered skin warms the water away and I will it so so my cheeks begin to burn with heat and the mist joins to form little droplets which join to form drops (isn't that the way it always is) that rivlets down from my forehead into my eyes blinded now by rainwater and then to moisten my lips.
mostly gone now absorbed by my skin spread thin by their travels (isn't that the way it always is) only enough on my lips for the rememberance of thirst to awaken a time when I drank with abandon the rainwater like a shower it must have been decades ago.
so the drought breaks but not the memory unlike the heavens it is not real unlike the heavens it doesn't poor down so hard and steady now to mist to droplets to drops to pounding like a dream in this rain thirsty place like my body finally wet but like my skin absorbing all the water and the heat from my body sending it back up (isn't that the way it always is) when will it fall again?
finally gone and finally past both the rain and the heat from/for my body i am icy cold where rain collected and wind lowered it more and slowly my skin didn't absorb anymore and chilled to where I know the bones are kept so the chill from the cloudless sky settled into my bones and radiated a soul that was as cold as it was decades ago.
laying on my back out of doors mouth open wet and no sound cold descending into ascending a soul.
isn't that the way is always is

dreams dec 17th morning

/////dreamers note - boy does not mean 'boy' as in UNDERAGED, but I call myself a boy because emotionally very tender and unpredictable but always in touch with how I feel and...yuck not underaged/////

messy tatty place that I've been before there's a party going on always a party but no one got an invitation they just showed and brought beer that no one drank because there were other things to quench their thirsts.
lies they drank it or I drank it but someone did and we are all drunk (can i be drunk in a dream and know it and know that they are too - and yet still fear that here someone will break my heart before the sun comes up) so I talk to the one the only one who isn't lieing a poor boy legal but young twenty something I'm sure maybe older with his shirt off who knows that he is an object blonded to highlight his youth but he doesn't know he is young.
fine i tell him and relax because I never blame the young for their youth we all come into our presence through time the joy is the journey the ecstasy (theresa) is to journey back as many times as you have the energy for and let the blonded youth lead you he may stop and rest in a place you've never been before.
he's crying a little poor little thing I cry a little too just for fun I'm suddenly very emotional looks like it was someone else's heart got broken before I woke but I feel for him little blonded thing excuses himself like a fine gentleman though not affected very polite knowing that I like it just so and gone for awhile I go looking just to say goodbye because a hearts been broken and thankfully not my own this time and maybe I'll just run my fingers through his hair.
/////dreamers note - little vulgar after this/////
only one place left to look and I gotta go anyway just to wash the dried tears that kept him company off my cheeks and push through the door that opens like pushing through syrup slow and sticky and the sun has risen through the bathroom window that whole place is ablaze with light and the door was hard to open because he sat on floor with his back resting against it nay not resting but rather the door held him up and turning up to me his eyes are blue like the insides of them not the blues of the boy I love and
poor little thing is naked and hard not quite cold but sickly almost and waxen with only blonded curls on his white chest giving him living colors but I look into his eyes promising not to give him advice on the journey but to let him discover it on his own and maybe go back for a couple of miles or so but looking closer i see the yearning and the need to be told something so looking closer seeing this boy who doesn't know how to journey because he has been lying to himself he does know he is young and he is confused a boy with the needs of a man.
looking closer so close I begin to see reflected in those lifeless eyes more like the indigo of their lining I see reflected there my needs those of a man but that somehow i had taken pride in their subjugation but too fancy of a word I say looking back at me in those eyes a man with the needs of a man castrated by his own will and my heart is breaking what is this why can't i just do what i want why am i walking by him instead of with him what wrong with letting him know that the needs of the boy and the needs of the boy are not exclusive from the needs of the man and
my heart is breaking but I have to follow my own advice or he will see me a liar he let me know what he wanted quietly and quietly I lowered my head and fulfilling our needs tasted salty tears
/////dreamers note - woke up with pillow drenched from crying/////

Dreams December 10th

dancing on the beach he called out to me hey-la hey-la so with a flashlight I ran out to the waves into the surf and dancing around tried to pinpoint his calls to me hey-la hey-la and night fell and still dancing afraid of the waves afraid of the water (there are sharks in the water) tap tap tap almost in the water yes wet but not quite tap tap tap my feet only barely let me touch the water and I wave the flashlight down into water hey-la hey-la water splashes all around me just my feet and calves wet now my thighs and I can feel salty-ness on my tongue and drop
drop
swoosh
the water lost its tension holding me up tired of my fear tired of me looking at it and making up romantic stories of the sea know how badly I yearned (yes!) for the sea to handle me with his waves and tired of waiting for me enveloped me surrounded me and the lightness of me as all my surfaces were handled covered and caressed each hair on every part lifted and caressed yet pressured slightly no more weight on my arms my sides are cool but pressure builds in my chest and burning tightening and gasp
gasp
shudder
hard soft solid liquid salty water enters my mouth but slowly like a syrup that can't be broken with your tongue and salty so not like syrup so I lick my lips feeling the strength of the water gentle but entering and strange to lick and feel the wetness of my tongue on my lips while surounded by water and my eyes are closed but I can see the water pulling at my eyelashes at every other hair to open me up make me light and just the rushing I hear swoosh-swoosh swoosh-swoosh is that him calling voice transmuted by transmission through his body rush
rush
vibration
my lower back is getting weak arch or curl who can say what's better now the sound is getting fainter did he stop his calling did he get what he wanted still surrounded by him in him by him in him arch my lower back til it strains open my chest and roll back my shoulders until my heart is open legs and feet that danced are now useless and he is calling so softly now so softly I can barely hear it but Ican taste the salt on my tongue my lips are parted and cannot close quick as a flash my knees hug in my arms and my head drops lungs filled with him with the sea
and
and
and the air had been all forgotten