The DANGER(space)KITTY Effect: July 2007

Word of the week - Joyeux

Do you ever wake up with a word in your head? Last week it was "Yod." Which is strange because:
A. I am not Jewish
B. I do not speak Hebrew well.
C. I have neither studied nor casually read anything on Judaism/Judaica in many (5+) years.
D. It is difficult word to say as a mantra. You can just say it and then contemplate its meaning. Just saying it signifies the end of the word. The "d" stops you - very frustrating for someone who likes words to flow into each other until breath is gone.

So it is with a great sense of relief that the word in no longer my weekly mantra.

And, I'm posting it late, but this week's word was "joyeux." It will probably continue for the next week as well, since I can't get it out of my mind.
This is why I love this word so: In french, it means happy, happiness, state of being happy depending on the modifiers it is used with. Now, I neither speak nor claim to know french - but whenever I think this word I always think "joyeux de les yeux" which probably means nothing. Except, of course "les yeux" means "the eyes." So I always think joy come from the eyes. See and being overtaken by beauty; expressing Ecstasy through the eyes...

Playing the game again

I just signed up for one of those online dating things - 'cause I need to get out there. Yuck, it's too soon. I just went browsing through and didn't find anything of interest. Aso, I wrote this long and gorgeous profile before realizing that that's not what people do. they just say me: blah, blah, blah. you: blah, blah, blah. Maybe I spend too much talking to myself and articulating... Also all my "matches" indicate they want "white/caucasian." which is fine, but I'm not, but I come up because they don't have a good response for "very rare asian bear" or "scanda panda."
Poo.

***Update*** I was so disgusted that I went and deleted my profile.

Death and waiting

another night surrounded by the dead
hopeless eyes have lost the spark of life
glazed over with the urge of sex
eyes tracking without thoughtful intent

I've been thinking about death a lot lately and I miss my friend Charley (not of the ninny variety). One night, looking me straight in the eyes and saying, "you've seen death - like, someone was alive and then next moment dead. It changes you - seeing a violent death." How did he know? What happened to these older gentlemen? Men who wanted to nurture (and yes... have fun with) younger men? I don't see that anymore. Just old guys who want to throw out straight morals; "just do it... who cares what your parents taught you..." Men who display their ...wares with no sense of propriety.
As sad as it sounds, I miss the men who lived their lives in secret, in fear, turning inwards to explore themselves, willing to finally sacrifice it all for love. The depth of their personalities was so fulfilling. And yes, I miss the men who have seen their best friends and comrades alive one moment and dead the next. It makes every conversation, every chance of a connection, precious.

Good bye

wonderful thought phases through my mind
waves pass over me
despair has overtaken me
I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
I have to go

to yoga

which is a beautiful thing
I walk by the temple
where my imagination goes wild
I saw something there once
during a wedding ceremony
I felt grace surround the groom
a powerful light
ripples in time
and was told later
that on the day of his marriage
the groom is surrounded by angels
blessing his union
imparting him with their grace
and he has the power to grant wishes
so every time I walk by the temple
I imagine the angels
nestled in their arches
waiting for a groom
like I wait
I usually sing them a song
something fun
something silly
to ease their waiting
as I walk by
fun and silly
because I'm singing on the street
to angels in the arches
because I used to sing as a child
and it brings me joy
maybe they'll grant my wish
send me out a nice young rabbi
it is a reform temple after all
but today
I couldn't think of a happy song
so sang a love song instead
sang it low
so that the vibrations worked down
to my soul
and touched the burning core of love
that drives me
low and deep
I couldn't control the intensity
I came bursting forth
but still low and deep
trying to hold it back
it frayed my chords
shredded my heart
and I fell
yes! fell!
and somewhere in that alternate state
I felt the angels
felt their wings
warm and dry
and said to wait
that I should wait
and the gift was the knowledge
that I can wait
and rush to my car
silly silly, that I fell
it was too hot in the gym
I worked too hard
and sit down to write about angels
and see...