Dreams Oct 23

Last night I dreamt that I died. Although I have consistant nightmares about 9/11 (planes crashing around me), I have never actually died. Usually, I find a pocket of safety or am forwarned enough to find safety. This time however, I saw the plane, dismissed its suspicious behavior, and continued traveling. It circled around, went straight up into the sky, and then nosedived into the roadway behind me. I saw the crash, explosion, and then the energy/shock wave coming towards me. I was in a bus and hoping the driver would just keep driving faster, but knew we were too close. So I lay on the floor and covered my neck and head, but continued to look forward. If I was going to die, I was going to see it. I saw the heat wave rippling, concrete and cars disintergrating, and my body began to feel fuzzy - like the cells and atoms had lost their cohesion. Then I saw little blue-violet lights swirling around my periphery, I knew they were from my brain and eyes failing. So I pushed all other thoughts out of my mind, pushed my mind out of my body and started to chant (not outloud), "I love you all, I love you all, I love you all..."
And then I woke up in the dark. It was very quiet. I was actually awake. I thought, "is this what death is like? Waking up in your bed, well rested, quiet, and dark?"
I took me about five minutes to realize I wasn't dead; it was just a dream.

Sometimes...

You find what you are looking for in places of frivolity. I check my horoscope everyday, click the option for a tarot card now and again, and read a short self-help style blurb on who I can be. I don't take much stock in it, but I do try to explore the posibilities that I'm offered.
So lately, my mantra has been "pleurer," which is said "plur-ray," mostly because of the anxiety I've been having and... the weather. I feel like I'm skating on thin ice over an ocean of dispair(How's that for mixing idioms?). And ipod (who has a mind of his own) has been playing to it with Concrete Blonde, the Smiths, Nina Simone, Placebo, and Jeff Buckley, but - of course - only the loneliest of tracks. And - of course - their sadness sings from the same place as mine or at least vibrates my core. So I sang along with ipod - opened all the windows, dropped the top, turned the heater to full blast, and drove until night fell. I stopped singing along and began harmonizing with love. "Love" high and thin - breaking - and in warm and low - comforting - drawn out for two minutes and short like panted breath.
And - in the end - I'm OK; I've found my stability again - I know who I am, what I'm made of and for, and what sustains me.
I woke up today happier than I've been in months.
And then, I check my daily Tarot on a whim...

"The Ace of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in capturing the essence. My emotions are valid. I am beautiful and I deserve to pursue, share, and express unconditional love, pleasure, and happiness. I bring new love into the world. I am empowered by love and my gift is beauty in truth."