Torture

Why do I enjoy this so much? Torturing my Image, I mean? Well, better me than someone else, I guess...

TheRapist

I miss TheRapist... What was his name... Robert? Richard? I should really find out - he meant so much to me. Although in the end, I have to admit, I was actively making him fall in love with me - totally inappropriate. Did he finally break up with me because he did or because I really was OK? Evidence points to the former - as I am clearly not OK. Stable, maybe.
Well, this picture is for him. I always wore glasses to our sessions because I gave him everything - pure, undiluted, true. The glasses afforded me with a little privacy - if only so that he didn't see my eyes welling up. And I did love him, the way you love a construct, for his intelligence and strength. He stood in the firestorm of my raw emotion. He was the perfect therapist.

Here is an old post about TheRapist:
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Current mood: amused
Sacrifice
So, therapist says many things to me, poses questions, mostly listens. This week he listened to one of my stories and asked about the nature of sacrifice.
What does it mean? Taking on another's pain or discomfort preferable before they feel it. What is it worth? I have a high thresh-hold for pain and discomfort. I can usually exchange my heartache for three or four others. How much is too much? I have rarely reached a limit. Why do you do it? The pain of sacrifice is delicious - especially if nobody knows. But it hurts you - how do you move away from this behavior? Can you? Let me put it to you this way... At any given moment, I could die - fine, I've made my peace with that. Joy - actual joy, joy for and from the present - doesn't exist for me. But I sacrifice the peace of death and live in constant pain so that, one day, my lover will find me and he will know happiness. So, no, I could move away from this behavior, but then I would die.
Poor therapist. He had nothing to say. For a long time.

morning

Though the air is cool
there is a warmth behind it
waiting (I feel)
for just a little light to touch it
sheets - cool
comforter - cool
pillows - cool
rising up slowly
I can also feel where he was
where the warmth was
below - beneath - beside me
inner arms - warm
neck - warm
chest - warm
he's left a gift
a kiss inside my wrist
pulling back the curtain
the mark disapears
and the room begins to warm

San Francisco

Burned my skin
Broke my heart
Busted my ipod

All in all
a good trip

Dreams June 15

April's boyfriend sits in a chair reading the morning paper in the little sun deck where we have breakfast. Little sun deck I designed into the curvilinear little modern house all arched and painted white that April paid for by writing an advice column. He is very tall and thin, with milky pale skin (stay out of the sun!), dark hair and eyes, and full sleeves. We laugh at the morning's advice as April shouts over to us (though a little window from her office that looks out towards the little sun deck), " I hope you're both enjoying that coffee my silly advice bought! And the cheese scones!" I could tell the cheese scones were good even though I was dreaming. We all laughed some more and then started to hear the tap-tap-tap on April's laptop as she began buying tomorrow's coffee and cheese scones.

Dreams - June 13th

promise of things
softly, yet so soft
whispers promise
without audible sound
softly, yet so soft
souls promise
without proud expectations
softly, yet so soft
lips promise
without thought of the future

Weight Loss

It's depressing that I'm not losing any more weight.
I think I'll stop eating until I break this plateau.

I hate email/phone messages/texts. The reason why is because you never know if someone got them unless they write back. And then, if they don't, whether or not they were uninterested in you or the message (or both). And sometimes, email/phone messages/texts don't even require response - so that's doubly frustrating because I can only blame myself...

Last night, Amazing...

Truly amazing...

blogs/changes

I have spent the early morning til now reading old blogs of mine from myspace and, I'm glad to say, not too embarassing. I'm going to post a blog from myspace old archives here everyonce in a while.
Also, this will no longer be an exclusive dream blog.