Tap, Tap, Shoot

(vulgar dream last night, that I don't have the language to make beautiful - even vulgarity doesn't make it beautiful)...

Tap, Tap, Shoot
one glass empty, upside down on the table
Tap, Tap, Shoot
joins the other glasses in various states of fullness
Tap, Tap, Shoot
find an empty spot, find a full glass
Tap, Tap, Shoot
the wooden table comes into view
Tap, Tap, Shoot
if I take this one, you give me a kiss
Tap, Tap, Shoot
he was pretty once
Tap, Tap, Shoot
lips touch mine
Lips seal against mine –
no foreplay, no warning
no tongue that reaches out to evaluate
just so suddenly connected
and the foul taste of unfiltered liquor filling my mouth
I start to shudder or is the world quaking - I don't know
I don't see halfway
he is too close to see, my eyes don't focus
It's my eyelids that are fluttering
Take a deep breath -
in through the nose, out twice as slow
trying to breath
in through the nose, out twice as slow
swallow
gulping for breath
to clear out the liquor
panting now
and feel the warmth
spreading from my neck
where he's biting me - bitten through the skin
I realize I am dreaming because in dreams warm means pain
and pain is delicious
and as I feel it spread all around me (the warmth)
it burns away my body (the pain)
and I am laying on my side
in a pool of warmth
nothing left but the poker hotness against my neck
my mouth slowly opening and closing
gasping for breath
feeding the flames
intensifying the pain
and a little core
connected by a beaded string
that starts to beat to the beat of my heart
beat (shiver) beat (vibrate)
the core is a circle
beat (shiver) beat (vibrate)
it's my ... womb
beat (shiver) beat (vibrate)
filled with sea water
beat (shiver) beat (vibrate)
my consciousness leaves my body
I see the bleeding wound on my neck
the bleeding wound that is my mouth
my baby swimming in my womb
little baby shark
and dive into my womb
and kiss my baby
who gnaws on my lips
and shreds my neck
and leaves me only eyes
to watch him break through the wall of my womb
flop in a puddle of sea water
under the table
covered with empty glasses
and die

Fear gripped me and a new birth

Fear gripped me and a new birth
log in with your google account and password
No, you must be trying to steal my identity
I just want to
just want to
let out
some thoughts
I don't trust you
trust so elusive
no one is trusted
Wait, yes wait for over a year
is it waiting when an ugly child grows inside me
it is ugly because it is not borne
Now I know
a little trust
drella gave me
give to blogger my google account and password
and little by little
my ugly child will be born
and little by little
my child will be beautiful
again