The DANGER(space)KITTY Effect

Mind on a break

2008-01-19T20:13:00.000-08:00

trying to process through some things, but it always comes down to this:

Luckily, I'm not too bright.

I know it's over...

2008-01-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

And as I climb into an empty bed

Oh well. Enough said.

I know it's over - still I cling

I don't know where else I can go

Oh ...

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

See, the sea wants to take me

The knife wants to slit me

Do you think you can help me?

Sad veiled bride, please be happy

Handsome groom, give her room

Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly

(Though she needs you

More than she loves you)

And I know it's over - still I cling

I don't know where else I can go

Over and over and over and over

Over and over, la...

I know it's over

And it never really began

But in my heart it was so real

And you even spoke to me, and said:

"If you're so funny,

Then why are you on your own tonight?

And if you're so clever,

Then why are you on your own tonight?

If you're so very entertaining,

Then why are you on your own tonight?

If you're so very good-looking,

Why do you sleep alone tonight?

I know...

'Cause tonight is just like any other night

That's why you're on your own tonight

With your triumphs and your charms

While they're in each other's arms..."

It's so easy to laugh

It's so easy to hate

It takes strength to be gentle and kind

Over, over, over, over

It's so easy to laugh

It's so easy to hate

It takes guts to be gentle and kind

Over, over

Love is Natural and Real

But not for you, my love

Not tonight, my love

Love is Natural and Real

But not for such as you and I, my love

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

Oh Mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...

New year's day

2008-01-06T17:17:00.000-08:00

And this is how I came into the new year.

I'm ready for it.

deleted blog

2008-01-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

I've never deleted a blog before...

Perhaps if you squint real hard, you will see the e-trails it left behind.

Since you all know how I feel (really - you know you do), I'm sure whatever you see in the electronic residue will leave you warm.

And yes, just in case, "I love you."

And the image just appeared...like a miracle

2008-01-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

Some people see Jesus, some people see the virgin (eh-hem) Mary, I see smiley faces... On my Bananas. Of course internet was down all day due to the flooding in sacto and why does work internet come from there? It's stupid, but I have new pills and smiley faces in my bananas... I'll take it as sign of good things to come.

All Cleaned up and Pretty

2007-12-31T22:12:00.000-08:00

All cleaned up and pretty for new year's eve.

Although I realize it's really just another day (night), I want to go into it fresh and clean. And with a smile on my face.

Ouch

2007-12-28T12:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, bottles of wine are too big because their bottoms sneak up on you when they are so good. A bottle of Jack, for instance, will rarely surprise you with his bottom (at least when you are alone with him).

So a slow start this morning - much work to do - but few people here in the office to get in my way.

Lovely tarot reading for this morning (hence, "ouch")

dreams - interupted

2007-12-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

"chirp-chirp" 7:15
who would text me so early
and eyes wide open
heart beating fast
leaping out of bed
only one person
but it was a dream
there's no message
slip back into sleep
hey-hey
touch on my cheek
slight pressure on my shoulder
whisper in my ear
I'm taking you out for breakfast
wrap my arms around his waist
bury my face in his belly
inhale his scent
swoosh - buzz
television turns on
automatic alarm
happiness floods my face
just a dream-10:15 am

bottles of wine are too big

2007-12-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

So I got four bottles of wine for April and Stephen for their visit not knowing what they are drinking these days and thinking beer not good enough (but of course having it around). They didn't pop a cork. I have to say, I love new Zealand wines - they have a crispness and fruitiness that reminds me of what wine should taste like. And also, I was a huge wine fag back in the day, always knowing what wine goes with what, but I don't think I ever enjoyed it until the current batch of wines from new Zealand and Australia. So last night I opened a bottle of nobilio sauvignon blanc - so light! so fresh! before I knew it the bottle was empty!
And lovely Guy showed up unexpectantly so that we could have conversations of otherworldly creatures (ourselves) and how someday someone will understand how living in your world hurts us. I admit, Guy is further off than I am, but yes both made only for and to love - everything else (yes, so many great things) only in preparation for the day we are accepted.

Chevalier de la table ronde
Goutons voir si le vin est bon
Goutons voir si le vin est bon
Goutons voir oui oui oui,
Goutons voir non non non,
Goutons voir si le vin est bon
S'il est bon s'il est agreable,
J'en boirai jusqu'a mon plaisir
J'en boirai oui
J'en boirai cinq ou six bouteilles,
Et une femme sur mes genoux
Toc toc toc.
Qui frappe a la porte?
Je crois bien, ca c'est son mari
Si je meurs,
je veux qu'on m'enterre
Dans une cave ou il y a du bon vin.
Les deux pieds contre la muraille,
Et la tete sous le robinet.
Sur ma tombe je veux qu'on ecrive
Ice Git le roi des buveurs.

D-landir

2007-12-26T03:11:00.000-08:00

Too much to process
por poor fragile mind
fragilus
fragilus
too trite to compare
a day at a theme park
to a rollercoaster
but emotions
came in waves
highs and lows
first we work hard
then we rest
building up again
and resting again
and the core shivers
the core shakes
strength is in the core
slight movements
eyes glance
fingers touch
lips kiss
to stand tall
shoulders back
belly in tight
no shava asana
No mountain pose
to stabilize me
to make the work
into rest
let the process continue
after rest
without perfect form
without guidence
I just take the core of it
and was happy for a day

Birthday - Nov 10th

2007-12-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

I was very sick for my birthday - I think I had food poisoning.

This is what I got from charley. It did not give me food poisoning, but it made me happy because it had pinneapple in it - and dollie parts.

Just downloaded the pics - that's why so late...

Dreams (hopes) - Dec 22

2007-12-22T01:57:00.000-08:00

slowly it crept into our conversation
a slow southern drawl
I don't think he noticed (at first)
and would have been embarassed had I made it known
but we both found comfort
in crooked smiles
slung back shoulders
and wide legged stances
held the door for me
led me through it
'refreshed' my drink
seated it firmly in my hand
leaning back on the back porch
deciding if the moon was full
he let the smoke curl from his lips on its own
letting it follow its own course
no strong inhale
no strong exhale
just a gentle tap
but in leaning back
whispering low
turning just so
I turned in
listening carefully
following his course
following my own course
no strong inhale
no strong exhale
just a gentle touch
slightly parted
smoke curled up from our lips
hands firm and strong
pressing against our lower backs
pressing our chests apart
knees with a gentle touch
slightly parted
the moon no longer concerned us
and we were comforted
by our slow southern drawl

Xmas sense of humour

2007-12-21T11:16:00.000-08:00

The last line is the best...

LOS ANGELES -- A thief left notes this week in place of baby Jesus statues swiped from Nativity scenes in the yards of at least 12 Santa Clarita residences.

"They took the manger and the baby," said resident Vicki Combs.

In the statues' place, the thieves left a note: "Do not worry for baby Jesus is not gone, yet he is just not born, yet. You can find your dear Jesus at OLPH on his birthday."
"OLPH" stands for Our Lady of Perpetual Help Catholic Church, located near the residences.
"We found 12 different sizes and types of baby Jesuses," said Msgr. Paul Montoya. "I'm not too sure if it's a young person's prank. We're not sure why they would do this."
Montoya said the statues appeared overnight at the foot of a Virgin Mary statue in the church grotto.
Church officials called the sheriff's department to report the thefts.
Combs said she is pleased to have found her Jesus statue.
"I think I'll nail it down," Combs said.

Bleh...

2007-12-20T17:23:00.000-08:00

I didn't get the job. Time for some retail therapy.

///update/// I went to go and get what I wanted and they were out. not only didn't I get the job, but I didn't get my sweatshirt.

Angst! or Angst? or...?
Too bad I only have one face...
HONESTY

Glad to be done driving

2007-12-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

not glad to be back.
Secret shame... I totally blacked out down the 5.
That's right, me n' britney; hot as ice.
shuffle started it stronger and I decided to go for it becasue not everything is high art - sometimes it's just fun, and fun is underrated. Also, I'm a little surprised at how well she knows me... As if I was trailer trash from louisiana or somp'in. In reality though, if you didn't know it was britney and got this album from one of your friends who said, "she's fabulous; was crowned 'lil miss ameircan dream when she was 17 and she's a hot mess..." you'd love her like peaches. Besides, I... awe shut up! I ACCEPT IT! I'M FREE!
but here's stronger (sing it acoustic in your head ala tori):
Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say, baby
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
That I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
Come on, now
Oh, yeah
Here I go, on my own
I don’t need nobody, better off alone
Here I go, on my own now
I don’t need nobody, not anybody
Here I go, alright, here I go
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger

BTW, This is what I look like.

2007-12-19T20:48:00.000-08:00

Kind of haggard, but no photoshop except cropping. It used to take me days to get here... Oh yea, took this pic yesterday (trying to document myself before I die, please be kind).

Finally - no dreams

2007-12-19T20:34:00.000-08:00

Of course that is what happens when you don't sleep
Quiet! I yell to the jackels that yip at me
It's not some self destructive thing this time
I had things to do, got up before the sun, and began my drive
only had a moment of rem sleep
somethings to do with a carnival, hotaire balloons, and cotton candy
couldn't sleep when I got in - timing was off -
aced my inerview
Couldn't sleep when I got back - too excited -
waiting for a call
that came
and asked me in the next morning
We shall see,
We shall see!

The Six of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in self-consciousness. I am not alone. It's not too late to make a fresh start or to pursue my hearts desire. The fountain of my youth or my Holy Grail is revealed in the simple pleasures and gestures that are unaware of their own beauty, connection, and power. I am empowered by nostalgia or past perceptions and my gift is rejuvenation.

Anniversary - AT LAST! (I know what it is!)

2007-12-18T18:50:00.000-08:00

AT LAST!
driving home tonight anticipating the grueling six hour commute back to sj and six hour commute back and wondering how I'm so awake, I knew it couldn't be the surface things, rather the immediate things, that were throwing me into this world of anxiety.
Yes, I've...
hit the gym like anorexia revisited
been pushing for the elusive 1000 calorie cardio workout
eaten every item of perishable food in the frigo
upped my dosage to combat my wondering/wandering mind
packed every moment with an 'important' task
actually worked and focused on my professional life
actually worked and focused on my personal life
started a job hunt whose scope and breadth impress even me
slept less than three hours a night the past two weeks
dreamed dreams that hurt and confused me
AT LAST! (I know what it is!)
it's memory, my mind was trying to tell/not tell or show/hide what's going on by recreating anxiety levels to mask memories! I don't take any credit, the credit goes to the pretty boy driving the car next to mine who, through rain washed glass, looked exactly like my ex.
my last ex
the one that I really did love
who, at a time when I grew the most, showed me all the possibilities of the future me while I was most afraid and confused about the future. Everyone changes you, he changed me the most - made me realize I could be whomever I wanted and what I was playing at was affectation. He took away the trappings of gay life and culture and forced me to analyse my feelings - he was the only one (still probably is) - who understood how debilitating they were. Without him, they would have overtaken me long ago and I have no doubt that, by my own hand, I would not be here today.
That being said, I did not leave his arms finished or particularly well and grew in strange ways, beautiful the way sickness can often leave the most interesting patterns and colors, but at least I was safe from catastrophic harm. I thank (the.rapist) for putting me on a balanced path that allows me to feel (even feel grandly) and not let those feelings overtake me.
but back to my ex (really can't believe I understand now-how did I forget to remember?)
I was...
very anxious about the future
burning anxiety at the gym
finishing all my finals - my final finals
graduating with a great degree
unemployed and broke
looking for a job - expecting it to be the rest of my life and commiserate with the amazing degree
madly in love with him - too young to know what love was
And we fought, over something ridiculous - I remember what, but am too embarrassed to repeat it -it was probably something symptomatic of larger issues in any case and broke up
on a cold December day, a week and a half before xmas
December 13th, 1996 - 2.32pm and single since and
SWOOSH!
In my car, in the rain, cold, confused, tired, but not sleepy
the anxiety fell out of me - like the drain plug was yanked out of the tub - just draining the blood from the top of my head (I could feel it leaving my fingertips) staring at this boy who never even looked my way and
I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU
an alternate reality only for the passage of time
I acknowledge you
and I'm calm again
all things in their time
be willing to wait
I'll wait for the one another ten years
for the things you want
be willing to work
I'll work on myself another ten years
for the best things,
be willing to accept what is offered
I'll accept the best and continue on my journey - no longer alone

The Ten of Swords card reversed suggests that you may be unwilling to let the matter rest, find closure or let go of an old romantic hurt. You might feel heartbroken, abused or at rock bottom, but in your mind you may be the hero for enduring such difficulties, especially if you have put all your hopes or trust into this situation or relationship. Go out with dignity or make the inevitable changes on your own terms, and you might actually feel relieved, in control and liberated. Brighter days are still ahead for you. While this may be the end of one era, it can be the beginning of another as long as you let go of the painful past and don't keep throwing yourself to the wolves in order to prove yourself or your love. If it isn't working for you anymore, move on or make a clean sweep of it rather than hurting or incriminating yourself out of fear.

to not have dreams december 18th

2007-12-18T10:20:00.000-08:00

would be a blessing to wake up not happy not sad but just to wake and go about my day as someone with no feeling or I just gatto do this or that and not anticipation of things that are good and the balance of the universe doesn't matter to me.

but no...id and superego continue their battles when will the war end...

in our little pocket of green and blue high up in the tree tops be he keeps me balanced and rests my head on his lap i don't know why we don't fall he must be talking to the wind and the trees and the sun to keep us aloft but also soft murmurs to me that have no real form but only just meaning and I understand him I think it must be the rush of his blood that murmurs to me through his skin and sometimes when he bends down to press his lips against my forehead the whisper of his breath calls our name and shelters us from the wind and absolute strength of the sun

although my eyes are closed I can see all of this knowing it intuitively the emerald green of the leaves and the sapphire blue of the sky and as my awakening draws near how do I only realize the scent of him now but for days surrounded he protects safe and warm

as my awakening draws near and the reality weakens the protection of his soft whispers and sweet scent becoming more powerful overwhelming yet leaving with the coming reality my vision become clearer through the closed eyes and I see vermilion blood on the emerald green leaves (blood on the leaves - blood on the roots) too much too much the stars shine through the sapphire sky blood red and the sun is beginning to burn his scent is too strong and the murmur is a roar

/////and awake/////

somehow only safe and happy in my sleep awake now and feeling like something of value has been taken from me

swing my legs down from the bed, step on an upturned bottle cap, and cut my foot

blood on the roots

glamour

beer on the wall

2007-12-18T01:42:00.000-08:00

99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beer
take one down and pass it around
98 bottles of beers on the wall...
repeat and subtract until there are 83 bottles of beer left on the wall - I can't do math in my head
somehow, i need to calm my emotions - take uppers to go down to normal take downers to go to sleeps and hide rom dreaming
bleh
interviews
interviews are killing me
driving back tomorrow again and spending thst much time alone with me is dangerous especially for me with me and my thinking because I can never be happy except on the outside to all my friends because I want them to be happy and would kill myself to guarantee it
chevalier de la table rounde
guttonvoire s'il the vin est bon
chevaliere de la table rounde
guttonsvoire s'il la ven este bon
gutton voire
oui, oui, oui
gutton voire
non, non, non!
gutton voire s'il the vin est bon!
Just talking to myself for six hours up and six hours back and no joy in between
can i get a lower dosage puis-moi
no they don't make it and then you will be a messed up boy who can think in a straight line or control his emotions - you will never be normal boy who has effortless social interactions!
I call that normal boy sepctacular - can i cut it in half
no - it's time released - it will kill you if it all disperses at once
lies, lies, lies, ye-ah
but will looking smashing un my suit I think nAVY PINSTRIPES (oops) with light grey slacks
why why do I always speak french when i'm drunk...
eheh - LET ME LIST THEIR NAMES - leon, sebastian, marc, philipe, tony, and massimo - massiomo being my favorite because he was italian, didn't speak a word of english, with a mother with french family so neither of us spoke french well but it was the only way to make our love poetically. also I think he may have been a virgin because he was fast and sweet and appreciative. Hell I named my car after him.
oops forgot clod . why do they come here just to make love with someone who speaks french? they could just stay there. and how does it happen that I meet so many. bleh. SI VOUS VOULEZ, TANTES! although I'LL GIVE THEM CREdit (oops) I don't know how many big gigantic gorgous asian bear boys they got over there.
OOO! OOO!
"JE M'APELLE COQUETTE! COQUETTE!" OK not exact quote - my name is cutie! cutie! - such a crack whore...
Ah... wipe the tears from my eyes... mesyeuxsontpleura...it's hard to spell in french maybe only speaking from now on
Aw crap teo more beers...
81 bottles of beer on the wall
81 bottles of beer...
there's got to be a better way
soule
bon nuit mes amies
je fait morir

dans un moment
Ensuite nous pourrons faire un barbecue de mon corpse sur la plage
AH-HA-HA-HA! eat that bitches!
VIEUX TANTES!
SALOPE
SALOPE
SALOPE
easier than japanese at least
huit-ton boutelles de bierre dans la mur
huit-ton boutelles de bierre
prendre toi un bierre (yuck - bad, bad)
Ok done trying to translate that song
finally ready to sleep
hopefully not to dream

nap dreams dec17th

2007-12-18T00:11:00.000-08:00

rain storm passes through la though not really rain just a mist at first, but I stand in it feeling it mist on hair and my face remembering how it felt to be touched decades ago when i wanted it too.
it was delicate mist standing on the points of my baby bird head not runing down yet just sugaring me and feeling cold as the heat from my showered skin warms the water away and I will it so so my cheeks begin to burn with heat and the mist joins to form little droplets which join to form drops (isn't that the way it always is) that rivlets down from my forehead into my eyes blinded now by rainwater and then to moisten my lips.
mostly gone now absorbed by my skin spread thin by their travels (isn't that the way it always is) only enough on my lips for the rememberance of thirst to awaken a time when I drank with abandon the rainwater like a shower it must have been decades ago.
so the drought breaks but not the memory unlike the heavens it is not real unlike the heavens it doesn't poor down so hard and steady now to mist to droplets to drops to pounding like a dream in this rain thirsty place like my body finally wet but like my skin absorbing all the water and the heat from my body sending it back up (isn't that the way it always is) when will it fall again?
finally gone and finally past both the rain and the heat from/for my body i am icy cold where rain collected and wind lowered it more and slowly my skin didn't absorb anymore and chilled to where I know the bones are kept so the chill from the cloudless sky settled into my bones and radiated a soul that was as cold as it was decades ago.
laying on my back out of doors mouth open wet and no sound cold descending into ascending a soul.
isn't that the way is always is

dreams dec 17th morning

2007-12-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

/////dreamers note - boy does not mean 'boy' as in UNDERAGED, but I call myself a boy because emotionally very tender and unpredictable but always in touch with how I feel and...yuck not underaged/////

messy tatty place that I've been before there's a party going on always a party but no one got an invitation they just showed and brought beer that no one drank because there were other things to quench their thirsts.
lies they drank it or I drank it but someone did and we are all drunk (can i be drunk in a dream and know it and know that they are too - and yet still fear that here someone will break my heart before the sun comes up) so I talk to the one the only one who isn't lieing a poor boy legal but young twenty something I'm sure maybe older with his shirt off who knows that he is an object blonded to highlight his youth but he doesn't know he is young.
fine i tell him and relax because I never blame the young for their youth we all come into our presence through time the joy is the journey the ecstasy (theresa) is to journey back as many times as you have the energy for and let the blonded youth lead you he may stop and rest in a place you've never been before.
he's crying a little poor little thing I cry a little too just for fun I'm suddenly very emotional looks like it was someone else's heart got broken before I woke but I feel for him little blonded thing excuses himself like a fine gentleman though not affected very polite knowing that I like it just so and gone for awhile I go looking just to say goodbye because a hearts been broken and thankfully not my own this time and maybe I'll just run my fingers through his hair.
/////dreamers note - little vulgar after this/////
only one place left to look and I gotta go anyway just to wash the dried tears that kept him company off my cheeks and push through the door that opens like pushing through syrup slow and sticky and the sun has risen through the bathroom window that whole place is ablaze with light and the door was hard to open because he sat on floor with his back resting against it nay not resting but rather the door held him up and turning up to me his eyes are blue like the insides of them not the blues of the boy I love and
poor little thing is naked and hard not quite cold but sickly almost and waxen with only blonded curls on his white chest giving him living colors but I look into his eyes promising not to give him advice on the journey but to let him discover it on his own and maybe go back for a couple of miles or so but looking closer i see the yearning and the need to be told something so looking closer seeing this boy who doesn't know how to journey because he has been lying to himself he does know he is young and he is confused a boy with the needs of a man.
looking closer so close I begin to see reflected in those lifeless eyes more like the indigo of their lining I see reflected there my needs those of a man but that somehow i had taken pride in their subjugation but too fancy of a word I say looking back at me in those eyes a man with the needs of a man castrated by his own will and my heart is breaking what is this why can't i just do what i want why am i walking by him instead of with him what wrong with letting him know that the needs of the boy and the needs of the boy are not exclusive from the needs of the man and
my heart is breaking but I have to follow my own advice or he will see me a liar he let me know what he wanted quietly and quietly I lowered my head and fulfilling our needs tasted salty tears
/////dreamers note - woke up with pillow drenched from crying/////

Dreams December 10th

2007-12-13T18:55:00.000-08:00

dancing on the beach he called out to me hey-la hey-la so with a flashlight I ran out to the waves into the surf and dancing around tried to pinpoint his calls to me hey-la hey-la and night fell and still dancing afraid of the waves afraid of the water (there are sharks in the water) tap tap tap almost in the water yes wet but not quite tap tap tap my feet only barely let me touch the water and I wave the flashlight down into water hey-la hey-la water splashes all around me just my feet and calves wet now my thighs and I can feel salty-ness on my tongue and drop
drop
swoosh
the water lost its tension holding me up tired of my fear tired of me looking at it and making up romantic stories of the sea know how badly I yearned (yes!) for the sea to handle me with his waves and tired of waiting for me enveloped me surrounded me and the lightness of me as all my surfaces were handled covered and caressed each hair on every part lifted and caressed yet pressured slightly no more weight on my arms my sides are cool but pressure builds in my chest and burning tightening and gasp
gasp
shudder
hard soft solid liquid salty water enters my mouth but slowly like a syrup that can't be broken with your tongue and salty so not like syrup so I lick my lips feeling the strength of the water gentle but entering and strange to lick and feel the wetness of my tongue on my lips while surounded by water and my eyes are closed but I can see the water pulling at my eyelashes at every other hair to open me up make me light and just the rushing I hear swoosh-swoosh swoosh-swoosh is that him calling voice transmuted by transmission through his body rush
rush
vibration
my lower back is getting weak arch or curl who can say what's better now the sound is getting fainter did he stop his calling did he get what he wanted still surrounded by him in him by him in him arch my lower back til it strains open my chest and roll back my shoulders until my heart is open legs and feet that danced are now useless and he is calling so softly now so softly I can barely hear it but Ican taste the salt on my tongue my lips are parted and cannot close quick as a flash my knees hug in my arms and my head drops lungs filled with him with the sea
and
and
and the air had been all forgotten

Dreams Oct 23

2007-10-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I died. Although I have consistant nightmares about 9/11 (planes crashing around me), I have never actually died. Usually, I find a pocket of safety or am forwarned enough to find safety. This time however, I saw the plane, dismissed its suspicious behavior, and continued traveling. It circled around, went straight up into the sky, and then nosedived into the roadway behind me. I saw the crash, explosion, and then the energy/shock wave coming towards me. I was in a bus and hoping the driver would just keep driving faster, but knew we were too close. So I lay on the floor and covered my neck and head, but continued to look forward. If I was going to die, I was going to see it. I saw the heat wave rippling, concrete and cars disintergrating, and my body began to feel fuzzy - like the cells and atoms had lost their cohesion. Then I saw little blue-violet lights swirling around my periphery, I knew they were from my brain and eyes failing. So I pushed all other thoughts out of my mind, pushed my mind out of my body and started to chant (not outloud), "I love you all, I love you all, I love you all..."
And then I woke up in the dark. It was very quiet. I was actually awake. I thought, "is this what death is like? Waking up in your bed, well rested, quiet, and dark?"
I took me about five minutes to realize I wasn't dead; it was just a dream.

Sometimes...

2007-10-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

You find what you are looking for in places of frivolity. I check my horoscope everyday, click the option for a tarot card now and again, and read a short self-help style blurb on who I can be. I don't take much stock in it, but I do try to explore the posibilities that I'm offered.
So lately, my mantra has been "pleurer," which is said "plur-ray," mostly because of the anxiety I've been having and... the weather. I feel like I'm skating on thin ice over an ocean of dispair(How's that for mixing idioms?). And ipod (who has a mind of his own) has been playing to it with Concrete Blonde, the Smiths, Nina Simone, Placebo, and Jeff Buckley, but - of course - only the loneliest of tracks. And - of course - their sadness sings from the same place as mine or at least vibrates my core. So I sang along with ipod - opened all the windows, dropped the top, turned the heater to full blast, and drove until night fell. I stopped singing along and began harmonizing with love. "Love" high and thin - breaking - and in warm and low - comforting - drawn out for two minutes and short like panted breath.
And - in the end - I'm OK; I've found my stability again - I know who I am, what I'm made of and for, and what sustains me.
I woke up today happier than I've been in months.
And then, I check my daily Tarot on a whim...

"The Ace of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in capturing the essence. My emotions are valid. I am beautiful and I deserve to pursue, share, and express unconditional love, pleasure, and happiness. I bring new love into the world. I am empowered by love and my gift is beauty in truth."

bodhgaya

2007-08-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

sigh...It's been so long since I've blogged, but I should be happy that my life is so busy.

Word for the past couple of weeks is:

Bodhgaya

It's the place where the buddha became the Buddha - achieved enlightenment.
He sat under a tree and meditated until he got there.
I think it's a ficus tree.
The original is not there anymore, but a clone of it is... That's right, a clone.
Someone took a shoot from it and grew a new tree somewhere else. Then the original tree burned down and someone took a shoot from clone 1 and grew clone 2 in the same spot of the originator. There is also a clone in Japan.
Fresh.
I'm drinking chai.

Word of the week - Joyeux

2007-07-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wake up with a word in your head? Last week it was "Yod." Which is strange because:
A. I am not Jewish
B. I do not speak Hebrew well.
C. I have neither studied nor casually read anything on Judaism/Judaica in many (5+) years.
D. It is difficult word to say as a mantra. You can just say it and then contemplate its meaning. Just saying it signifies the end of the word. The "d" stops you - very frustrating for someone who likes words to flow into each other until breath is gone.

So it is with a great sense of relief that the word in no longer my weekly mantra.

And, I'm posting it late, but this week's word was "joyeux." It will probably continue for the next week as well, since I can't get it out of my mind.
This is why I love this word so: In french, it means happy, happiness, state of being happy depending on the modifiers it is used with. Now, I neither speak nor claim to know french - but whenever I think this word I always think "joyeux de les yeux" which probably means nothing. Except, of course "les yeux" means "the eyes." So I always think joy come from the eyes. See and being overtaken by beauty; expressing Ecstasy through the eyes...

Playing the game again

2007-07-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

I just signed up for one of those online dating things - 'cause I need to get out there. Yuck, it's too soon. I just went browsing through and didn't find anything of interest. Aso, I wrote this long and gorgeous profile before realizing that that's not what people do. they just say me: blah, blah, blah. you: blah, blah, blah. Maybe I spend too much talking to myself and articulating... Also all my "matches" indicate they want "white/caucasian." which is fine, but I'm not, but I come up because they don't have a good response for "very rare asian bear" or "scanda panda."
Poo.

***Update*** I was so disgusted that I went and deleted my profile.

Death and waiting

2007-07-06T01:42:00.000-07:00

another night surrounded by the dead
hopeless eyes have lost the spark of life
glazed over with the urge of sex
eyes tracking without thoughtful intent

I've been thinking about death a lot lately and I miss my friend Charley (not of the ninny variety). One night, looking me straight in the eyes and saying, "you've seen death - like, someone was alive and then next moment dead. It changes you - seeing a violent death." How did he know? What happened to these older gentlemen? Men who wanted to nurture (and yes... have fun with) younger men? I don't see that anymore. Just old guys who want to throw out straight morals; "just do it... who cares what your parents taught you..." Men who display their ...wares with no sense of propriety.
As sad as it sounds, I miss the men who lived their lives in secret, in fear, turning inwards to explore themselves, willing to finally sacrifice it all for love. The depth of their personalities was so fulfilling. And yes, I miss the men who have seen their best friends and comrades alive one moment and dead the next. It makes every conversation, every chance of a connection, precious.

Good bye

2007-07-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

wonderful thought phases through my mind
waves pass over me
despair has overtaken me
I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
I have to go

to yoga

which is a beautiful thing
I walk by the temple
where my imagination goes wild
I saw something there once
during a wedding ceremony
I felt grace surround the groom
a powerful light
ripples in time
and was told later
that on the day of his marriage
the groom is surrounded by angels
blessing his union
imparting him with their grace
and he has the power to grant wishes
so every time I walk by the temple
I imagine the angels
nestled in their arches
waiting for a groom
like I wait
I usually sing them a song
something fun
something silly
to ease their waiting
as I walk by
fun and silly
because I'm singing on the street
to angels in the arches
because I used to sing as a child
and it brings me joy
maybe they'll grant my wish
send me out a nice young rabbi
it is a reform temple after all
but today
I couldn't think of a happy song
so sang a love song instead
sang it low
so that the vibrations worked down
to my soul
and touched the burning core of love
that drives me
low and deep
I couldn't control the intensity
I came bursting forth
but still low and deep
trying to hold it back
it frayed my chords
shredded my heart
and I fell
yes! fell!
and somewhere in that alternate state
I felt the angels
felt their wings
warm and dry
and said to wait
that I should wait
and the gift was the knowledge
that I can wait
and rush to my car
silly silly, that I fell
it was too hot in the gym
I worked too hard
and sit down to write about angels
and see...
yod
the word
pointer of words
the truth
the atom that is center of all things
the center of truth
the center of the universe
the basis of all things

ZOMBIE WALK

2007-07-01T17:46:00.000-07:00

Zombie Walk in San Diego was... interesting...

Amd let's not forget Mustache night...

Torture

2007-06-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

Why do I enjoy this so much? Torturing my Image, I mean? Well, better me than someone else, I guess...

TheRapist

2007-06-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

I miss TheRapist... What was his name... Robert? Richard? I should really find out - he meant so much to me. Although in the end, I have to admit, I was actively making him fall in love with me - totally inappropriate. Did he finally break up with me because he did or because I really was OK? Evidence points to the former - as I am clearly not OK. Stable, maybe.
Well, this picture is for him. I always wore glasses to our sessions because I gave him everything - pure, undiluted, true. The glasses afforded me with a little privacy - if only so that he didn't see my eyes welling up. And I did love him, the way you love a construct, for his intelligence and strength. He stood in the firestorm of my raw emotion. He was the perfect therapist.

Here is an old post about TheRapist:
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Current mood: amused
Sacrifice
So, therapist says many things to me, poses questions, mostly listens. This week he listened to one of my stories and asked about the nature of sacrifice.
What does it mean? Taking on another's pain or discomfort preferable before they feel it. What is it worth? I have a high thresh-hold for pain and discomfort. I can usually exchange my heartache for three or four others. How much is too much? I have rarely reached a limit. Why do you do it? The pain of sacrifice is delicious - especially if nobody knows. But it hurts you - how do you move away from this behavior? Can you? Let me put it to you this way... At any given moment, I could die - fine, I've made my peace with that. Joy - actual joy, joy for and from the present - doesn't exist for me. But I sacrifice the peace of death and live in constant pain so that, one day, my lover will find me and he will know happiness. So, no, I could move away from this behavior, but then I would die.
Poor therapist. He had nothing to say. For a long time.

morning

2007-06-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

Though the air is cool
there is a warmth behind it
waiting (I feel)
for just a little light to touch it
sheets - cool
comforter - cool
pillows - cool
rising up slowly
I can also feel where he was
where the warmth was
below - beneath - beside me
inner arms - warm
neck - warm
chest - warm
he's left a gift
a kiss inside my wrist
pulling back the curtain
the mark disapears
and the room begins to warm

San Francisco

2007-06-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

Burned my skin
Broke my heart
Busted my ipod

All in all
a good trip

Dreams June 15

2007-06-15T14:24:00.001-07:00

April's boyfriend sits in a chair reading the morning paper in the little sun deck where we have breakfast. Little sun deck I designed into the curvilinear little modern house all arched and painted white that April paid for by writing an advice column. He is very tall and thin, with milky pale skin (stay out of the sun!), dark hair and eyes, and full sleeves. We laugh at the morning's advice as April shouts over to us (though a little window from her office that looks out towards the little sun deck), " I hope you're both enjoying that coffee my silly advice bought! And the cheese scones!" I could tell the cheese scones were good even though I was dreaming. We all laughed some more and then started to hear the tap-tap-tap on April's laptop as she began buying tomorrow's coffee and cheese scones.

Dreams - June 13th

2007-06-13T11:01:00.001-07:00

promise of things
softly, yet so soft
whispers promise
without audible sound
softly, yet so soft
souls promise
without proud expectations
softly, yet so soft
lips promise
without thought of the future

Weight Loss

2007-06-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

It's depressing that I'm not losing any more weight.
I think I'll stop eating until I break this plateau.

I hate email/phone messages/texts. The reason why is because you never know if someone got them unless they write back. And then, if they don't, whether or not they were uninterested in you or the message (or both). And sometimes, email/phone messages/texts don't even require response - so that's doubly frustrating because I can only blame myself...

Last night, Amazing...

2007-06-09T10:34:00.001-07:00

Truly amazing...

blogs/changes

2007-06-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

I have spent the early morning til now reading old blogs of mine from myspace and, I'm glad to say, not too embarassing. I'm going to post a blog from myspace old archives here everyonce in a while.
Also, this will no longer be an exclusive dream blog.

Tap, Tap, Shoot

2007-05-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

(vulgar dream last night, that I don't have the language to make beautiful - even vulgarity doesn't make it beautiful)...

Tap, Tap, Shoot
one glass empty, upside down on the table
Tap, Tap, Shoot
joins the other glasses in various states of fullness
Tap, Tap, Shoot
find an empty spot, find a full glass
Tap, Tap, Shoot
the wooden table comes into view
Tap, Tap, Shoot
if I take this one, you give me a kiss
Tap, Tap, Shoot
he was pretty once
Tap, Tap, Shoot
lips touch mine
Lips seal against mine –
no foreplay, no warning
no tongue that reaches out to evaluate
just so suddenly connected
and the foul taste of unfiltered liquor filling my mouth
I start to shudder or is the world quaking - I don't know
I don't see halfway
he is too close to see, my eyes don't focus
It's my eyelids that are fluttering
Take a deep breath -
in through the nose, out twice as slow
trying to breath
in through the nose, out twice as slow
swallow
gulping for breath
to clear out the liquor
panting now
and feel the warmth
spreading from my neck
where he's biting me - bitten through the skin
I realize I am dreaming because in dreams warm means pain
and pain is delicious
and as I feel it spread all around me (the warmth)
it burns away my body (the pain)
and I am laying on my side
in a pool of warmth
nothing left but the poker hotness against my neck
my mouth slowly opening and closing
gasping for breath
feeding the flames
intensifying the pain
and a little core
connected by a beaded string
that starts to beat to the beat of my heart
beat (shiver) beat (vibrate)
the core is a circle
beat (shiver) beat (vibrate)
it's my ... womb
beat (shiver) beat (vibrate)
filled with sea water
beat (shiver) beat (vibrate)
my consciousness leaves my body
I see the bleeding wound on my neck
the bleeding wound that is my mouth
my baby swimming in my womb
little baby shark
and dive into my womb
and kiss my baby
who gnaws on my lips
and shreds my neck
and leaves me only eyes
to watch him break through the wall of my womb
flop in a puddle of sea water
under the table
covered with empty glasses
and die

Fear gripped me and a new birth

2007-05-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

Fear gripped me and a new birth
log in with your google account and password
No, you must be trying to steal my identity
I just want to
just want to
let out
some thoughts
I don't trust you
trust so elusive
no one is trusted
Wait, yes wait for over a year
is it waiting when an ugly child grows inside me
it is ugly because it is not borne
Now I know
a little trust
drella gave me
give to blogger my google account and password
and little by little
my ugly child will be born
and little by little
my child will be beautiful
again

Dreams - June 12th

2006-06-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

see nothing, feel everything
she prays at my feet
see nothing, feel everything
caress
caress
caress?
pain...
let it pass over you
let it pass through you
it's alright if you want to scream
No, no, no
work your best
my pain won't distract you
let it pass over me
let it pass through me
take it
distribute it
too much, too much
deep breath
in through the nose, out twice as slow
is it too much
keep going, keep going
keep going
break
freed from my body
must remember it to remember to breath
and the heat of it
begins to burn
my spirit freed from my corpse
my spirit body is heat
my spirit body is pain
what is one thing beyond the pain?
think - one thing beyond the pain!
heat, no heat is pain
think - one thing beyond the pain!
what is one thing beyond the pain?
break
I've never had someone leave me before
where did you go
love - I bore it out of self love

Dreams - June 9

2006-06-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

oversaturated, sitting on the grass with the officer.
one of those days that is real - too real
like honey from the bottle directly on the tongue
too vivid - too real
I see the pale inner arm turn to tan
and am facinated by the golden hairs sparkling in the sunlight.

Dreams - june 2nd

2006-06-06T03:55:00.000-07:00

It's my fashion show, this is my collection. set to a modern interpretation of a traditional japanese melody. The models are of all ages, but start with the youngest (smallest) end with the oldest (tallest). They walk in a proscribed manner: step, feet together, bend at the knees, shuffle, shuffle, feet together, hop on the left foot, step, feet together, bend at the knees, shuffle, shuffle, feet together, hop on the right foot, repeat. the clothes are long japanese kimonos with gigantic white and grey tissue paper snowflakes pinned to them so that the overall effect is fluttering glimpses of color under a mutted white and grey snow. it is very solemn. the procession takes about five minutes. everyone in the audience is crying.

dreams june 3rd

2006-06-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

like an old roman bath
but not like they were when they were built
as they would be if they had been used for all the centuries
misused for many centuries
built for peope who were cleaner, smaller of stature and fit
natural
understanding that the sun feeds our bodies as does good food
understanding that conversations refresh our minds as does restful sleep
not for our modern monstrosities
too tall, too large, too built
muscle like bulges marbled with fat - not ever having really worked
eyes that loll weakly - never having to be sharp
bred for secondary sexual characteristics
peacocks that are beautiful until they speak
this is the place where I am now
I see the glory it once was
now it is a urinal
the natural springs that feed the hot baths have dried up
and the warm moist heat stings my eyes and my nose
whatcha got
whatcha got
whatcha got?
I have to pee not shy, but not forward
in the face of this
these
bodies pushing, not waiting, I'll wait my turn for some privacy
but they don't wait - pushing
just pee on your leg, pee on the wall
pee on the door, pee on my leg
how could this (these) excite me?
I've seen them all before, seen it all before
even exploring as far as I could, deep as I could
there is nothing here to excite me
maybe just for a moment
and I want it to
I want to give in
of course there is one other asian in the room
he looks at me like we are brothers - korean
we are not brothers - he may as well says he was senegal
and we were brothers
we couldn't be more different
yet you look to me like we are brothers
like I should be drawn to you
as you are drawn to me
the last two
paired because they are the last two
touching me is too much
please don't, politely
(confusion)
don't touch me
he ony expresses confusion
my turn in the stall
relief though cramped
my shoulders press against the walls
I can see easily over the sides
the door bangs against my back
modern monstrosity
still a little careful I proceed
begin to pee
don't look down, don't look to the side
privacy can be made by not offering inclusion
at least in my own perception
but it's safest to look down
I feel hands on my belly
kneading my belly
making me sick
woke up screaming because I dreamt the korean man was touching me

waking dream - June 4th

2006-06-05T14:08:00.000-07:00

in the sour mustiness of the enclosed faultline
a dream, a hope, came true
all these things
yet best described as a step forward
and suddenly I was seen
noticed
desired
validated
a strange sense of belonging overtook me
like a radiant heat
and all by looking up at the video screen
and seeing asian porn

Dreams - may 29th

2006-06-01T01:20:00.000-07:00

it is the archetypical cressent shaped bay, with a city by the shore and forests rising up the slopes of low hills to where we sit. firecrackers pop in the night sky and perfectly compliment the lights of the city down below.
he says, isn't it shame the city lights are there - distracting from the fireworks?
no, they make me think there are other people out there, living their lives. people who are worth it. I would be sad to see the lights go.
and the lights blink out. a few lonely (can they be lonely?) firecrackers pop weakly (can they 'pop' weakly?).
he points up to the sky, look! and a ball of colored lights flies across the sky - streaking across the sky
the air changes as the ship(?) passes overhead
this is not good
the air is cold
as if, at the time of their death, all the lives - bodies - down below gave up all their heat
and it escaped through the hole the ship punched through the sky
we are frozen with indecision
what to do
what to do
back to the summer cabin
the rickity cabin
where we had hoped to spend the warm night
not needing much shelter
just a few bottles of wine
and a fire for looks
and each other when the embers burned down low
what protection will it offer now?
anything will do
we wil hide in the cabin
he points down the city, look! (stop pointing, stop pointing, stop pointing)
a procession of bodies is walking up the path to the cabin
survivors!
carrying what they need to survive
carrying their most precious possssions
carrying their dead
he grasps at my arm
I am frozen with fear, here take this - chew it
what is it?
watermelon extra - it willsave your life
he puts it in his pocket
he is excited and relieved
but I can see they are not survivors
almost like us
at any other time, they would be just like us
but here
now
en mass
these are not survivors
these are something else
carrying what they need to survive
carrying their most precious possssions
carrying our dead
he is running towards them they are close
so close I can see the stars glitter their eyes
he is excited - we will not be alone
I hadn't thought we would be
the leader of the procession puts down his burden
a stretcher he carries behind him, the other end dragging on the ground
the body of a young girl laying still placed on top
the leader starts to laugh
the leader points at him as he runs closer (stop pointing, stop pointing, stop pointing)
don't you see - we are not like you
we are not like you
we are not like you
he falls to the ground
others walk over to take charge of the body
the leader looks at me
with glitter in his eyes
we are not like you
we are not like you
we are not like you
I chew my gum
it is too sweet, my mouth is too wet
but the fragrance (strange) I feel it curling over my face filling my nose
the leader is laughing heartily now
we are not like you
we are not like you
we are not like you
the cabin stands like a fortress behind me

Dreams - May 30th - maybe not for work

2006-05-31T23:54:00.000-07:00

naked, standing on her knees, lips slightly parted, she called to me from the other bed.
Are you a little shy?
Of course, I respond,
I have a pillow covering my nakedness.
her girlfriend looks up at me, she is naked as well and laying on her belly,
but we are all doing it.
I hadn't noticed the others. and she laughs a little. I notice the others.
Look at how they do it differently, the women caressing each other, the men already in rutt, and the mixed couples and groups, well, they are somewhere inbetween.
and her girlfriend laughs a little.
Don't you think it a little unnatural that how we are socialized to act in public naturally transfers to how we act when we are trying to be totally natural? all the men fucking, even the ones getting fucked and all the women giving and receiving...caresses. and what do you want? no one talks about what you want. only what we want. only what he wants. tell me what you want.
you're right, no one talks about what we want, but it's not so different than what you want - it's probably just the same...as you want, but not as you do. you do the opposite of what you want and what you do. Exactly the opposite of those opposite things - probably right inbetween. and then give me the pillow.
she takes the pillow
if you are still shy, you can cover yourself with myself and we will only look into each others eyes and maybe want something...special.
she lays on top of me. her girlfriend is walking away - towards a bed with only sheets moving.
what do you want?
I only want to hold her and I feel a tightness rising, pulling(?), in my throat - I'm about to cry. I only want to hold her, hold her so that I'm not sure who's on top - only that my arms encircle her. I am on top and protecting her or on the bottom taking comfort in the curve of her neck and small of her back. We roll to our sides and she rolls her knees up so that they press against my stomach - not my belly, because I am thin in my dreams, but I notice this as well, this and my long hair - She is not pushing me away, but I still feel the sadness swelling in the throat. and ashamed, I am ashamed. her arms fold between her knees and she is fetal. and I want to bind her there, with my hands but I can tell I am being too rough, I'm about to start crying. and I am ashamed. I don't know why. But I have to make it up to her. I kiss her forehead. two fingers start at the base of her neck and follow the curve of her spine. lightly though, like my breath on her forehead. she shivers a little and my arm caressing her back tightens on her side to let her know that I am here. my body is here, not just my breath. my fingers follow her back, slip between her buttocks, but do not linger until they reach her clitoris. they slowly circle it, without touching it. sometimes brushing it, grazing it. I can sense the position breaking, her positon is breaking, she is starting to shiver. I kiss her forehead, her eyelids,the tip of her nose, her lips. but not parting her lips, just lightly brushing them, hoping my breath might part her lips.
I don't feel like crying, I am not ashamed, but i am not...alive. I've become mechanical. I can't say this is not what I want because I don't want anything for myself, except for her to feel good to feel loved. Her position breaks and I feel a moist heat like a puff from where her arms and thighs pressed against her stomach and breasts. and I can smell her, like a cake baking in a cold kitchen - air sweet and heavy with moisture. she feels all the things I want her to feel, my body feels her every moment and I lose my tenuous hold with time, or rather, sequence. hands pinning her arms behind her back, hand binding hers above her head, two pairs of arms spread wide to our sides. all happening at once and over and over again. I have penetrated her, haven't I? Some time I did, didn't I? yes, my hands say yes, but she is holding my hands behind my back. and once again I am just holding her. she is happy and i don't hant to, but I know what I want, I want to hold her. and I am. and she lets me. and even though I am sleeping, we fall asleep.

Dreams - May 19th

2006-05-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

We all sit
in a tiled water garden
in marrakesh
talking lightly
easily
a large group
recounting the day's journey
jasmine scented breezes
cool the tiles
send water spray
to refresh
our sunburnt faces
firelight plays
across us
but it is easy
for me to hide
because I am not talking
or listening
just looking
to where you stand
not talking
or listening
just looking
I need to talk
I need to sleep
just for a moment then - I need to talk
just for a moment then - I need to sleep
just let me lay at the foot of your bed
just let me rest my head upon the pillow
the walls recede into darkness
or are the wall even there
a breeze from every direction
tells me no
the ceiling is painted with stars
or is the celing made of glass
a silver light from twinkling stars
tells me no
a cool stream flows
around the bed
around me at the foot
around you at the head
both staring at the stars
that cover us
you with your eyes closed
filled with sleep
me with my eyes open
filled with tears
both staring at the stars
that cover us
the distance between us has
taken your weakening consciousness
taken my straining voice

PART II
I can hear them now
over your furvitve sleep sounds
over the quiet crying sounds
over the metal star sounds
over the wet stream sounds
coming closer
just over the stream
flowing around the bed
you travel to the stars in a dream
I follow my tears to the stream
tease them into the cool water
wrap them with the cool water
sweep them from the room
out to the desert
away from the room
where you sleep
I am still in the room
at the foot of your bed
flowing around the bed
swept out into the desert
keeping their sounds
away from you
so you can sleep
still crying
because we don't talk
or because of the stars
that cover us
or because of the stars
that keep us apart

test

2006-05-14T00:29:00.000-07:00

test

dreams - May 11, 2006

2006-05-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

The floorplan of the apartment is set on a stage
the front wall is windows with a dutch door
the windows are open
the dutch door is open

enter the front door

and see the kitchen on the right
with a window and back door
and the living room on the left
with an arch leading to the hall
blond and thick
bubbling with good nature
he greets me with a kiss
where were you earlier
I'm here now
that's not an answer
I'll help you get ready
a gypsy and a server follow me in

a gypsy to read cards

a server to attend the table

the gypsy carries a bindle stick

with a colorful scarf
filled with magic
the server carries a fancy cake stand
with a handle on top
filled with flowers
the gypsy sets up in the living room
the server sets up in the kitchen
the gypsy has disapeared into the corner
the server stands naked in the kitchen
police at the door
we are warning everyone
there is a serial killer on the loose
the gypsy is gone
the server is crying on the floor
she is hidding knives
amoungst the flowers
why
I need them
they are worthless
I am not stealing them
they will not protect you
the serial killer's face is framed
in the kitchen's back window
lay down
we do
I hold the naked girls hand
our eyes are closed
he kisses her
and slits her throat
he kisses me
and takes my life

dreams - May 10, 2006

2006-05-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

We sit in a room at the top of a tower
on a cold stone floor
panoramic views of a pre industrial eden
he is tall and lean in his red robes
his long silver hair frames a feminine face
achingly beautiful
surpassing sexuality
he has dragonfly wings
I am tired when he takes me in his arms
a long journey of discovery has taken me to this room
the only place I have yet to search
to fill an unspecified emptiness within
though young
the journey has tired me greatly
but youth has spared me
from becoming jaded
and I gratefully accept his kindness
and warmth
and strength
in a kiss
though brief
paints my lips with lingering sweetness
lingering brevity
time has lost me
two moments happening at once
he whispers close to my ear
as he stares into my eyes
the seed is in you
he whispers close to my ear
as he stares into my eyes
the seed is in you
he whispers close to my ear
as he stares into my eyes
the seed is in you
I close my eyes
to see more clearly
inside
and my heart begins to beat again

On the hour

2006-04-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

I've been waking up every hour on the hour. It is a little disconcerning because it doesn't even matter if I am asleep or not. so from 0:05 'til 0:00 I am either traditionally asleep or daydreaming. I've tried all sorts of ol' standby methods of sleeping through the night (alcohol, herbal remedies), but I think now is the time for hardcore western intervention. Off to Rite Aid I go!
Ahhh... But luckily, I don't think that I'll go crazy because my dreams are very intense - my subconscience is definitely getting a work out.