Anniversary - AT LAST! (I know what it is!)

AT LAST!
driving home tonight anticipating the grueling six hour commute back to sj and six hour commute back and wondering how I'm so awake, I knew it couldn't be the surface things, rather the immediate things, that were throwing me into this world of anxiety.
Yes, I've...
hit the gym like anorexia revisited
been pushing for the elusive 1000 calorie cardio workout
eaten every item of perishable food in the frigo
upped my dosage to combat my wondering/wandering mind
packed every moment with an 'important' task
actually worked and focused on my professional life
actually worked and focused on my personal life
started a job hunt whose scope and breadth impress even me
slept less than three hours a night the past two weeks
dreamed dreams that hurt and confused me
AT LAST! (I know what it is!)
it's memory, my mind was trying to tell/not tell or show/hide what's going on by recreating anxiety levels to mask memories! I don't take any credit, the credit goes to the pretty boy driving the car next to mine who, through rain washed glass, looked exactly like my ex.
my last ex
the one that I really did love
who, at a time when I grew the most, showed me all the possibilities of the future me while I was most afraid and confused about the future. Everyone changes you, he changed me the most - made me realize I could be whomever I wanted and what I was playing at was affectation. He took away the trappings of gay life and culture and forced me to analyse my feelings - he was the only one (still probably is) - who understood how debilitating they were. Without him, they would have overtaken me long ago and I have no doubt that, by my own hand, I would not be here today.
That being said, I did not leave his arms finished or particularly well and grew in strange ways, beautiful the way sickness can often leave the most interesting patterns and colors, but at least I was safe from catastrophic harm. I thank (the.rapist) for putting me on a balanced path that allows me to feel (even feel grandly) and not let those feelings overtake me.
but back to my ex (really can't believe I understand now-how did I forget to remember?)
I was...
very anxious about the future
burning anxiety at the gym
finishing all my finals - my final finals
graduating with a great degree
unemployed and broke
looking for a job - expecting it to be the rest of my life and commiserate with the amazing degree
madly in love with him - too young to know what love was
And we fought, over something ridiculous - I remember what, but am too embarrassed to repeat it -it was probably something symptomatic of larger issues in any case and broke up
on a cold December day, a week and a half before xmas
December 13th, 1996 - 2.32pm and single since and
SWOOSH!
In my car, in the rain, cold, confused, tired, but not sleepy
the anxiety fell out of me - like the drain plug was yanked out of the tub - just draining the blood from the top of my head (I could feel it leaving my fingertips) staring at this boy who never even looked my way and
I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU
an alternate reality only for the passage of time
I acknowledge you
and I'm calm again
all things in their time
be willing to wait
I'll wait for the one another ten years
for the things you want
be willing to work
I'll work on myself another ten years
for the best things,
be willing to accept what is offered
I'll accept the best and continue on my journey - no longer alone

The Ten of Swords card reversed suggests that you may be unwilling to let the matter rest, find closure or let go of an old romantic hurt. You might feel heartbroken, abused or at rock bottom, but in your mind you may be the hero for enduring such difficulties, especially if you have put all your hopes or trust into this situation or relationship. Go out with dignity or make the inevitable changes on your own terms, and you might actually feel relieved, in control and liberated. Brighter days are still ahead for you. While this may be the end of one era, it can be the beginning of another as long as you let go of the painful past and don't keep throwing yourself to the wolves in order to prove yourself or your love. If it isn't working for you anymore, move on or make a clean sweep of it rather than hurting or incriminating yourself out of fear.